For those of you whom have read my blog post about the Chemistry exam, you may have sussed out I have just finished my A Level exams- so I am 18 years old. Before yesterday, I wasn’t thinking about marriage. I wasn’t frigging stressed about it. I was care-free and in my mind (deep, deep down) I do believe I am a rock-star. Having recently bought a Guitar with a best friend, life seemed awesome.
I then went to a seminar titled “Time to Marry”, and in reply to my mum’s eagerness to take me, my literal response? “I’ve got nothing else to do so I might as well get married!” *chuckles*. Now I am not chuckling- not even in my head; it is 03:13 a.m. and I can not sleep because I am anxious about whether I will have a successful marriage/husband, or whether I am the next Havisham.
Let me tell you why I am anxious. I am a Muslim girl whom has grown up in GB and, during my teenage years, I have done my best to: not take a single ‘crush’ further then human nature. I have refrained from boyfriends. I have effectively trained my emotions to not feel infatuated by any person (even though it has been unsuccessful on numerous occasions). I have tried to conserve my innocence,
but let’s face it, I got corrupt anyway. This is why I have been thinking all along that: I have thoroughly prepared myself for having an ‘arranged marriage’ in the not-so-near future; which I am totally okay with. But at this Seminar, the Imam (Mosque leader) said: “in fact I would say that it is “criminal” to not get married at a young age (22/23) and those parents that also let this sad thing happen are also criminals.” I laughed. Oh crap- why is no-one else laughing?! The Imam wasn’t joking.
Within the next minute I partially blocked out the seminar, while seeing my entire future flash through my mind like a broken camera film reel monotonously playing. I could see screen shots of myself- miserable. Why? Because I compromised my entire career- my dreams of going to Postgraduate Medical School, and studying the only subject I can give my heart and soul in to, all because I must marry early or face having no success in finding ‘the one’. Plus, then the Imam mentioned ‘roles’ and who does what in the relationship. I thought this was going to be the modernized version- but no. He hinted at how it is “difficult” when there are 2 professionals in a relationship- they clash; it doesn’t frigging work apparently. That’s strange- I always imagined it would work. Great- exactly what I need.
Then there’s the sub-conscious backwards cultural factor; of no-one wanting a girl that is too smart or, as my Aunt describes it, “high-quality”. It’s akin to being overqualified when applying for a job role- no-one wants you and no-one will take you.
It feels like I must compromise a lot of what I want in my life, to comply with the opportunity of getting married. It rips me apart inside that maybe I won’t study Medicine, because of getting married. I know how important Marriage is. I really do, but I want to be happy too. I don’t want to be a typical domesticated wife that is unhappy. I want someone to spend my entire life with that loves me for who I am and accepts me, even at 25 years old *sigh*.
I guess what I am saying is: I am very scared. I am scared no one will want me and as I get only a few years older, it will be harder for me to find someone. Why can’t everyone else think like I do; I just want to be happy for crying out loud.
The joint bank account really got to me as well, as the Imam mentioned it was a sign of not trusting each other to own separate bank accounts. Like, really? I always thought of it as: “This is my earned money and I’ll give it you if and when you need/want/ask for it, just like your earned money is your property
my darling Hubby!”
Time: 03:36 a.m. When will I ever be able to get to sleep now?