Tired eyes. Very very very tired. Today has been tiring. I disappointed myself too. Because I slipped up. I got too tired. Too weak. It’s not good enough. Not when other people are liable to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt you. It may feel like I need you but I don’t. I just want you. Very badly. But the day will come when the want will no longer be immense. Will no longer be selfish. Will no longer be there. Then I will just appreciate you. Tired eyes from crying. And sniffling. And crying. And heartache. This is tough. I asked for help but it was the wrong move. I have to help myself. I have to help myself. I have to help myself.
I do love you. It’s super hard to forget. But I will try for you.
So I spent all night with the flu, that somehow crept on me. I think it saw my frequent crying as a vulnerability in my immune system and decided to pounce. Not sure how to get better except for taking paracetamol and waiting this out. I just feel so miserable. Really, really miserable. I don’t know how I could feel like this because the intention wasn’t to feel miserable. It was supposed to make things better but I think it’s kind of backfired. What’s worse is that I feel I have no-one who has shown they understand, and the person that does, needs their own time. I feel well and truly stuck. And suffocated. As though there’s this huge weight on me. I don’t know how to cope except for throwing myself into my assignment and notes.
I love you more than you will ever know, because I’m crap at showing it.
So I just heard a song that reminds me of you and I’m struggling not to break down. Deep breaths. That tummy turning feeling is coming back. You know, the one that feels like there is no hope left and you just want to run away as fast as you can and collapse at the same time.
So I guess I’m really sad. This is harder than I thought. Just trying to accept what is happening and not be in denial (which would be the worst thing for me right now). This decision is right, but why does it hurt so much? I don’t know what to do. I just need to get through it and know that one day the moment will come where the pain isn’t there. Why are the best decisions the hardest? I don’t know. I’m just exhibiting some kind of stress response right now where I can feel my adrenaline pumping and my body is heating and my tummy is turning and my nose is runny and it really isn’t pleasant. Just hoping. Sitting here, hoping. For an easier tomorrow.
Yesterday I wasn’t so calm. It was a very emotional and very hurtful day. Not because anyone did anything wrong. I usually look for people to blame but yesterday I tried something new, very begrudgingly. I blamed no-one. Someone close to me gave me a revolutionary idea that they actually have been saying for as long as I have known them. They have told me to not blame anyone. Which I always scoffed at because, well, I am a blamer. I like to point blame and explicitly know what went wrong and trail back to the source. I always have been like this as long as I can remember. It’s a way to regain control and feel better about a situation. Something went wrong? No worries, just find who’s responsible. Easy.
Wrong. I just feel like I like to be in denial of the fact that there sometimes is no one to blame. Not even yourself. It will take me a while to fully master this technique of not blaming, and just accepting life as it is. But I feel that yesterday was an important step to doing this. Being faced with a choice that was absolutely necessary and deciding that although it is an incredibly painful decision, it needs to be done with minimal casualties. Minimal casualties; so that the healing process is quicker. And no one can get hurt any more. Because that is what I truly want.
So from now on, my priority will be remaining calm. Sure, it will be tough, but it’s worth it in the long-run, if it means a healthier, happier set of people. I probably wouldn’t ever be able to do this decision, if I didn’t truly care about the person. So perhaps this is the cliché perspective of how love does heal. Maybe not in the obvious romantic way. But in the way that love drives the right decision.