I am sitting down at my desk with a cup of tea, embarking on a new post. The sky is midnight blue, at midnight nonetheless, and a cranked-open window in the neighbouring room slyly lets in a draft which kisses the back of my neck. The empty screen stares in front of me, full of expectation. As though it is asking me ‘What will you write today?’. I look back in disappointment; I want to be full of positive things but today was really hard. So I’ll write about that. *breathe*
Today was hard. I was faced with painful reminders at every step. Things I have seldom thought about started freely swimming through my mind every hour. As though it has every right to come and go as it pleases. Well, it does. But also, why? I can’t help but think that the universe is on a mission to make me dwell when I want to do anything but. I start to miss parts of them I don’t think I noticed fully when they were present. I start to miss the way they speak and say certain words. And the places we went together, even if it was a casual supermarket trip to pick up dinner. Or our walks. I miss our walks. I miss holding their hand. I miss our conversations. I miss everything. Every part of me seems to ache.
And I try to focus on me and bring my mind back to the present. But everyday thoughts cross my mind that they are probably fine. Not because they are heartless – they’re not. Because they left – despite saying all those things to me. Things we were to do. Places we were to see. People we were to become. Dreams we were to have. Lives we were to live. And now, it doesn’t matter. They left, in the midst of all those things. How am I to forget? Isn’t it cruel that I have to put to bed something so precious? Isn’t it unfair to be in the dark for so long? So long that all those dreams you had never really existed? And, importantly, how does a person make sense of this?
I am happy. But I am also heartbroken. And I feel like although I still believe in love, I don’t know if this breach of trust is normal. I don’t know if this is what I should expect in relationships? To be in the dark? To have someone over and over tell you this is what they want, only for them to snatch the rug from under your feet and leave you blindsided – which is an analogy accurate to how I’ve been feeling. I don’t know. I’m not sure. But I am sure that pain – no matter how brutal – is temporary. And that each day is not a battle I have to win. Not a destination I have to reach. I’ve given up fighting. I just want each day to be fulfilling. Where I can say that ‘Yes, I may not have ticked all the things off my to-do list, but I feel good and content and that’s all that matters’.